Downton Abbey 3x2

First off, I should just say that it's taken a lot for me not to go ahead and start with 100 points for brass knuckles on this episode. I mean... we get to see Edith's wedding, but not golden-hearted Sybil's? Do I need to write the fan-fic myself?!

• We open with Edith delighting in the fact that an event at Downton Abbey is actually revolving around her. UGH. EDITH. Enough with the inferiority complex! (brass knuckles +1)
• Thomas starts stirring trouble for O'Brien by telling the witless Moseley he should contact his relative about applying for her position when it opens up. (brass knuckles +2)
• No, Lord G! You cannot move to Downton Place! (brass knuckles +3)
• Witless Moseley shows us why he's witless by asking Lady G if he can put up his relative's name for O'Brien's soon-to-be-opening position. OF COURSE YOU'VE SPOKEN OUT OF TURN, WITLESS MOSELEY! This character. I'm not usually like this, y'all. I don't even hate the guy. But I'd truly like to tape "kick me" to his back. (brass knuckles +4)

PDA! PDA! PDA!

• Um... Pardonnez-moi, but do you see Sybil and Branson hand-holding in the background during this convo?! (smelling salts +1)
• ENOUGH, COUSIN MATTHEW! (brass knuckles +5)
• Old Man is such a womp womp next to Lord G's already-son-in-laws Cousin Matthew and Branson. Yuck. (brass knuckles +6)
• L-o-v-e how Violet asks if Old Man will be able to keep up with Edith! Listen, I know I'm a little hard on Edith and her Old Man, but I do feel somewhat entirely justified as Violet shares my opinion. (smelling salts +2)

• Downton Place... what a dump! When can I move in?! (smelling salts +3)
• "Perhaps I can open a shop." Baha! I don't care what you're selling, Violet. I will buy it. I WILL BUY IT ALL. (smelling salts +4)
• Bates :( . (brass knuckles +7)
• Lady G saying Mrs. Hughes can stay at Downton 4evsah. (smelling salts +5)
• When Sybil tells Violet that she started the vulgarity! (smelling salts +6)

Ahhhdjfskj!!!! Sweet ginger from War Horse! Code name: Albert.

• The sweet ginger from War Horse is looking for people to play a game. Moseley says he'd be happy to join him and the sweet ginger from War Horse says he'll decide later if he really wants to play. I love the sweet ginger from War Horse. (smelling salts +7)
• Mary reads the inheritance letter behind Cousin Matthew's back since he won't open it! Yes!! (smelling salts +8)
• But even though it's full of good news that can change their fortune, Cousin Matthew still won't get off his high horse because it was written "before I life-ruined Lavinia before she became a life-ruining ghost!" (brass knuckles +8)
• So Mary takes it upon herself to ask the servants downstairs if any of them posted a letter for Lavinia as she lay dying, perhaps relating the change in her relationship with Cousin Matthew. (smelling salts +9)
• But no one did... *sobbing* (brass knuckles +9)

• Then Daisy walks into the room and says she did! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! WE ARE SAVED!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean... THEY ARE SAVED!!!!!!!!!!! (smelling salts +10)
• Violet saying Edith will become "an old man's drudge" and wanting "the pleasure of saying I told you so" to Lord G. (smelling salts +11)
• Mary tells Cousin Matthew about Daisy posting Lavinia's letter saying if that doesn't fi-na-lly change his mind "I'll have to beat you around the head." (smelling salts +12)
• On Edith's wedding day, Mary says some very kind words to her despite their differences. Because she's the queen. Of everything. (smelling salts +13)

• But once Edith walks down the aisle, *SPOILER ALERT* Old Man says he can't go through with it! (brass knuckles +10)
• Edith doesn't understand, because they're going to be so terribly happy! Oh no! She's giving me FEELINGS! Spinster FEELINGS! Jilted FEELINGS! Chocolate FEELINGS! (brass knuckles +11)
• Then Violet takes hold of her and tells her to let Old Man go. It's the only sensible decision he's made in months! Burrrrrrn! (smelling salts +14)

The Crawleys are not amused.

• And while I couldn't agree more... still... in the back of my head there's... NO ONE DOES THIS TO A CRAWLEY! (brass knuckles +12)
• With dramatic flair and her veil slow-mo crashing to the floor, Edith ugly-cries over Old Man in bed. (brass knuckles +13)
• Lord G tells everyone they can leave no trace of the wedding in the house. Lord G is the master of the FEELINGS. (smelling salts +15)
• Even though Queen Mary and golden-hearted Sybil rush to comfort ugly-crying Edith, ugly-crying Edith is not so self-absorbed that she can't lash out at them for having husbands and babies on the way. Just when I was starting to feel sorry for her! Ugh! EDITH! Stop. You did not. This is Downton Abbey! I know you're upset, but... it's never going to be about you! Gosh! (brass knuckles +14)

*angels sing*

• Case in point: Cousin Matthew offers his new un-haunted inheritance to Lord G and ALL IS RIGHT IN THE WORLD!!! (smelling salts +16)
• But Lord G insists they must be joint-masters! (smelling salts +17)
• They're planning on giving all the wedding food to the poor, but Violet says, "If the poor don't want it, you can bring it over to me," because free food is free food and Violet is always my spirit animal! (smelling salts +18)
• Downstairs O'Brien says she can't imagine what Edith is going through and Thomas bites back that it's a good thing no one's ever proposed to her. I'm probably O'Brien's biggest non-fan, but YOU NEVER SAY THAT TO A GIRL, THOMAS! YOU TWAT!!!! (brass knuckles +15)
• Mr. Carson throws a hissy when the sweet ginger from War Horse slanders Old Man, but Mrs. Hughes sticks up for him. BECAUSE NO ONE DOES THIS TO A CRAWLEY! (smelling salts +19)

Gosh Julian Fellowes, what did poor Edith ever do to you?

• Edith wants a different life. Edith. We talked about this... (brass knuckles +16)
• Two brownie points to O'Brien for threatening twatty Thomas! (smelling salts +20)
• I'm not wild about this storyline, hence why I've not mentioned it, but it's so great how much effort Mrs. Crawley puts into tracking down Ethel. (smelling salts +21)
• Mrs. Hughes doesn't have cancer!!! (smelling salts +22)
• And Mr. Carson is humming and singing because he's so happy and I just want to hum and sing and polish silver right along with him! (smelling salts +23)

Amazing. Only Downton Abbey could leave a girl at the altar and still have smelling salts beat out brass knuckles 23 to 16. Or maybe that's the power of Edith?