Tuesday, May 28, 2013

and the peace

And so... it turns out my own life is riddled with PLOT TWISTS. For being a writer, I really am terrible about guessing what happens next in a story. I'm always shocked. Always. It's a bit embarrassing, really. So the fact that the same turns out to be true in my real life is no real surprise, but still a shock to the system. Something happened last week and it was a doozie. And now it's time to explain my radio silence...

Now I can finally tell you that all the cryptic blog posts of the past few months were regarding making a decision on whether or not to go to grad school this fall. I was accepted into an MFA Creative Writing program in New York City and after dozens of pro/con lists, too many sleepless nights to count, and enough tears to keep the Titanic afloat (minus the whole iceberg bit), I sent in my deposit and called it a day. I began making all the arrangements, getting in touch with anyone I've ever made eye contact with for their New York connections, taking on a second job to save more money... All the while, losing more sleep than ever.

In the middle of my vacation last week, I went to New York and visited the school. And just like that, every alarm bell in my head and heart began sounding off like crazy. I had this terrible foreboding feeling, one which I can only identify as the Holy Spirit, saying that the whole grand scheme was incredibly wrong for my life. I remember when I was deciding which regions to list as my preferences for teaching in France after graduation and having the same unsettling feeling. I chose to ignore it and then wound up in the Bomb Shelter. And I think we all know how that went! It wasn't New York, it wasn't the school or the program. It's just that there are two very important things I took away from my experience in France: 1) there is something to be said for gut feelings and 2) God knows what's best for my life better than I do.

Later that night I took my mom to Hillsong, which is the church I'd planned on joining upon moving to New York. In the days leading up to the trip, I'd been praying Philippians 4:7. "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." And what were they preaching that night? Philippians 4:7. After months of inner turmoil, everything became clear and still. I had wanted so badly to make something-- granted, a good thing-- work, but it wasn't something I'd ever felt called to do. I'd wanted an out from my life in Baltimore and I concocted the most elaborate escape route possible. In my vanity, I took a lot of pride in sharing my glamorous plans with others. But one thing remained throughout the whole process and that was unrest. I had never been at peace about it. Not once. And then in the midst of a river of tears and snot (you're welcome) in the very last row at Hillsong, I handed my own selfish will for my life over to God's perfect will for my life. I still don't know what that is, but I'm at peace. There's a bit of confusion floating around to be sure, but I'm also filled with a peace and relief that truly surpasses my understanding.

So there you go! I'm still trying to process yet another life-changing decision, but... I believe God has good plans for me. Writing will always be important to me and I hope you know that I don't need an MFA to write. What I need is Christ and the path God has designed for me. As for what comes next, I got nothin'. But there's beauty in obedience even when everything else is unclear. I don't believe in Plan B. I believe in Plan A. This-- whatever this is-- is God's Plan A. I'm looking forward to it more than I can possibly say and I guess I just wanted to say... I hope you are too!

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us." - Ephesians 3:20

9 comments:

  1. In tears once again. So proud of you, my love! You are doing the right thing. XO

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  2. So happy that you feel things are where they should be, even if the outlines of what goes next aren't all that clear. I'm impressed that you're so attuned to your own inner life...a lot of people would have walked away from those alarm bells, or chalked them up to nerves. It takes a pretty strong person to wait quietly instead of charging off into the distance. I'll be thinking about you and sending you all sorts of good vibes!

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  3. this was so refreshing to read; often it's unsettling to see all the glamour and glitz of others lives, but knowing that we all share the same sense of unrest and need to right those gut feelings is so comforting to read! thank you thank you thank you for this.

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    1. Oh my gosh, Mackenzie, thank you so much for your comment! I hope you've found some encouragement!

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  4. You're so spot on here - there is something to be said for gut feelings and listening to that voice that tells us we're on or off the path that is best for us. So happy that you've come to a decision that your heart is sure of, even if the details are still undefined. :)

    xx,

    <3 eileen
    www.leanerbythelake.com

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    1. Thanks, Eileen! I really appreciate that!

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  5. I really think it's crazy how we're in the exact same spot in our lives at the exact same time. Perhaps God just worked it out that way... Because I'm certainly finding lots of encouragement from you journey and these posts. Sometimes it's the hardest thing in the world to follow that gut feeling when what you want so badly is sitting right there in front of you! Thanks for the inspiration and Bible verses, truly!

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