Congratu-haha-NOT!

Congratulations! Congratulations, self! Congrats. Congratty-grats. Congrats on...

• being stressed!
• worrying yourself to the point you're losing hours and hours of sleep each night!
• crying quicker than a heroine in a Thomas Hardy novel!
• perfecting your ICE QUEEN glare!
• being the one who takes it out on everyone else!
• talking more obsessively about life-ruiners like fear and doubt than life-ruiners like Benedict Cumberbatch and Tom Hiddleston!
• focusing so much on all your concerns all-at-once-and-all-the-time that you can't remember to take the butter out of the microwave and add it to the cookie dough! 
• your hot mess self!

You know what's not attractive? All these things. You know what I am right now? All these things. I kind of have to laugh so I don't cry. Over the past week, I've had this sneaky feeling creeping up from my gut that I've been playing the part of someone even I don't want to be around. It's not cute. I know in the blogging world there's this understanding that I'm supposed to cast you all under this glittery magic spell of believing I do nothing but lie on my bed reading children's literature, penning the next great one from the perch of my windowsill, and prancing around with such lightness of foot that you just might wonder if I've been sprinkled with pixie dust. Maybe it's my lifelong antithesis-of-Pinocchio-esque-behavior or the writer in me that needs to over-share tell the truth, but... oh how I hate to break the spell... this is not the case!  

Truth be told, it can be overwhelming to think of all the things I'm not. I'm not organized, I'm not prepared, I'm not on a clear path, I'm not always generous or thoughtful, I'm not someone who remembers birthdays, I'm not capable of making my way through a Julia Child recipe without calling my mom. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not. Some of these things are out of my control (Julia!!!), but there are others that I've personally provoked into stampeding over my life like a herd of wildebeest, trampling my spirit till I'm virtually unrecognizable. It's toxic! And I don't want to be full of not; I want to be full of am and will be. I want to congratulate myself for being full of hope about tomorrow instead of full of doubt. Perhaps I can't change the situations causing me such restlessness, but I can certainly change my thoughts and behavior.

"Far from what I once was, but not yet what I'm going to be." I love this quote. I love it because there's value in taking a moment to look back and have a breather. Even if looking back is a little painful. This time three years ago I was living in "the bomb shelter" in France with the sad remains of a dream kicked stone dead, nursing the most homesick heart, and the absolute loneliest I'd ever been. Compare that to where I am now and my current lot in life doesn't look so bad. It's easy to forget that certain hardships are a privilege. Certain hardships are a choice. Certain hardships give us character that matters and work to mold us into who we're going to be. So, if for no other reason than that right there, can't we take a hint from Nat King Cole and just "Smile"? Find ways to not get so overwhelmed by the big picture and take little steps to work towards change, of course, but freaking taking a chill pill and smile! After all... *sigh*... "This too shall pass."

And now, because I'm not someone who can resist a Disney pep talk and because I am just this cheesy...

Ah! I feel so much better. Asante sana squash banana! Remember who you are!