Downton Abbey 3x7

I will not bother with an introduction, because... RAGE BLACKOUT.

• One year later? NOPE. (brass knuckles +1)
• NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who is this she-devil looking at Branson? Hands off! Eyes off! (brass knuckles +2)
• Branson and Sybbie <3 (smelling salts +1)
• So things are still awkward turtle has babies between Thomas and newbie Jimmy. Swell. (brass knuckles +3)

AH!

• I'm feeling a little lotta jipped that we didn't get to see her tell Cousin Matthew, but it's eclipsed by my elation! MARY, MY QUEEN, IS GOING TO HAVE A BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!! (smelling salts +2)
• Eughhhhhhhhhhhhh *head in hands* Edith. Leave your obsession with fixer-upper men in your dreams, sweetheart. (brass knuckles +4)
• Dawwww!!!!! I love seeing Carson get all protective over future-mother Mary! (smelling salts +3)

• Branson's dog sitting and I'm strangely excited about him doing everyday things to get back on his feet! (smelling salts +4)
• While I'm rather perturbed that Branson hasn't been invited to this trip to the Scottish highlands, I can't help breaking a smile when Violet says he's been "housebroken." (smelling salts +5)
• YOU KEEP YOUR BLOODY HANDS OF GOLDEN-HEARTED SYBIL'S PHOTOGRAPH, YOU SHE-DEVIL!!!!!!!!!!!!! (brass knuckles +5)
• Oh, Mrs. Hughes! Here's a belated valentine for sticking up for golden-hearted Sybil and Branson and telling this blonde devil woman that it's "not her place to wonder" about anything regarding their personal lives. Damn straight! (smelling salts +6)
• DO NOT SPEAK TO BRANSON YOU SHE-DEVIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE HEREBY QUARANTINED FROM LIFE! (brass knuckles +6)

I JUST LOVE SCOTLAND AND HUMBLE ABODES!

• SCOTLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (smelling salts +7)
• Rose returns. Blah. (brass knuckles +7)
• Mrs. P is "not just a pretty face!" (smelling salts +8)
• This is so strange how the Scottish servants call each other by the names of the rich folk they take care of. As if O'Brien could ever be a Grantham! Gross. (brass knuckles +8)
• BAGPIPES AT DINNER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Crawleys look less than thrilled, but I AM MORE THAN THRILLED!!!!!! (smelling salts +9)
• Humph. The sorry excuse for Mr. Rochester has been invited over. (brass knuckles +9)
• Family drama between Shrimpy and his wife at the dinner table. Not v. classy. (brass knuckles +10)

• Eeeeeeeeeeeep! I love how Mrs. Crawley and Branson are having tea and compliments!(smelling salts +10)
• "You have a position now and you're entitled to use it." Listen to her, darling! (smelling salts +11)
• MY IRISH HUSBAND HAS A BOOZY STALKER. (brass knuckles +11)
• DO NOT TALK TO THE SHE-DEVIL ABOUT PERSONAL THINGS, BRANSON! YOUR LIFE IS NOT AN OPEN BOOK! IT IS CLOSED! THERE IS A LOCK! TO WHICH ONLY I HOLD THE KEY! (brass knuckles +12)
• YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DINNER WITH HER OR ANY OTHER SERVANT, BRANSON! (brass knuckles +13)

To quote Cousin Matthew, "What a disappointment! He looks perfectly normal." Indeed!

• Oh so conveniently, the sorry excuse for Mr. Rochester brought tails for his fishing trip. (brass knuckles +14)
• Everyone misses golden-hearted Sybil every single day. Violet understands... (brass knuckles +15)
• Ah! *heart-clutch* When Branson blows a kiss to Sybbie! (smelling salts +12)
• Ughhhhhaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The she-devil guilt-tripping Branson about not eating downstairs with them. YOU WILL LEARN YOUR PLACE OR I WILL PUT YOU THERE! (brass knuckles +16)
• Seriously! As if he could/should be ashamed of who is he is! It should take you exactly four seconds to walk from here to that door, she-devil! I'll give you two! (brass knuckles +17)

• It's a relief and a privilege for trusty Dr. C not to have to explain himself around Mrs. Crawley... *sighhh* (smelling salts +13)
• Sorry excuse for Mr. Rochester, you are deluding yourself with your professions of  love! This can only end badly! Why can't you be selfless and let Edith go off into the world and fall for someone suitable or at least a smidge interesting?! (brass knuckles +17)
• Ha! *fist-pump* Edith can't see a happy ending for them. Atta girl! (smelling salts +14)
• "You think me nice, but nobody else does." It's not true, my queen, I love you too! (smelling salts +15)

MY SOUL IS FLOATING AWAY FROM MY BODY!!!!!!!

• "Because I've seen you naked." OHMYGAAAAAAAAAHHDDKFJDLKFJDLKFJKLEIWOIKJUGH!!!!!!!!!!! (smelling salts +16)
• Mary's flawless reaction of, "Goodness, what a testimonial!" makes me think she will one day be a great Violet-esque commentator. (smelling salts +17)
• Oh my goodness, newbie Jimmy saying Mrs. P is only technically a woman! So inappropriate, but... *snort* (smelling salts +18)

I miss you!!!!! Take me baaaaaaaaaaaack!!!!!!!!

• Scotlaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wildernessssssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (smelling salts +19)
• Whoa! Mrs. P's been getting love letters! (smelling salts +20)
• This disgustingly forced-cute Bates picnic by a babbling brook makes me think... time for a bathroom break! (brass knuckles +18)
• Nononononononononoooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!! Branson's going to come down for supper?!?! *crying/SCREAMING/snotting/dying/stabbing-the-she-devil-in-the-smirk-face-till-I-can't-stab-any-more* (brass knuckles +19)
• Bahaha! Oh Violet! "That's the thing about nature- there's so much of it." (smelling salts +21)

• Darling, Cousin Matthew, I know you and Edith are chums, but is it really necessary to invite the sorry excuse for Mr. Rochester fly fishing? Maybe he has things to do like lie in a bed his crazy wife set on fire! (brass knuckles +20)
• Yuuuuuuuuuuuuck, Edith! Don't call him Michael! *shiver* Why don't you do something useful like read some Bronte? He's already suspicious with the tails incident... he's probably living vicariously through Jane Eyre and you're too daft to notice! Gah! (brass knuckles +21)
• What?! What?! Trusty Dr. C inviting Mrs. Crawley to the fair? I like it! (smelling salts +21)
• Hold up, Branson! Let me go set the car on fire so you can't drive the servants to the fair! (brass knuckles +22)
• Dear old Carson "would sooner chew broken glass" than go to the fair with newbie Jimmy and the sweet ginger from War Horse. (smelling salts +22)
• Mary's all shaken up... NO. STOP. (brass knuckles +23)
• Yikes! Cousin Matthew thinks the sorry excuse for Mr. Rochester is going to propose. (brass knuckles +24)
• "You are horrid when you want to be." But you love her anyway, Cousin Matthew! (smelling salts +23)

Me next! Me next!

• When Rose teaches Anna how to fling, I like her for once! (smelling salts +24)
• *GASP* Newbie Jimmy and the sweet ginger from War Horse chillaxin' on the couches! I'm all offended! (brass knuckles +25)
• *this is me hugging Mrs. Hughes when she tells Branson that the she-devil is in the wrong for guilt-tripping him* (smelling salts +25)
• Gah! No! Branson's still going to drive them to the fair! (brass knuckles +26)
• WHY IS THE SHE-DEVIL TAKING BRANSON'S AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHMMMMM?!?! (brass knuckles +27)
• This whole fair! I'm going to be sick all over it like I've just come off the tilt-a-whirl after one too many fried Mars bars! (brass knuckles +28)

HAND ME THE SMELLING SALTS! HAND ME THE- *swoon*

• Side note: Branson in 3/4 length sleeves! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ahhh!!! Is this an asthma attack?! I think I might have asthma! (smelling salts +26)
• Ha! Hahaha! Cousin Matthew telling the sorry excuse for Mr. Rochester that he's been misled by their surroundings and they are not, in fact, living in a novel... *cough* like Jane Eyre *cough* (smelling salts +27)
• Ohhhh!!! Cousin Matthew won't let his chum Edith slide into a life of scandal without lifting a finger! (smelling salts +28)
• THE SHE-DEVIL TRYING TO PDA WITH BRANSON ON THE CAROUSEL! I WILL THROW THIS BUCKET OF MOLTEN GOLD ALL OVER YOU SO YOU CAN NEVER LEAVE THIS SHAMEFUL MOMENT, YOU WITCH! (brass knuckles +29)

• Listen newbie Jimmy, you've got your looks, your pretty face. There's no need to flash your money about! (brass knuckles +30)
• Who else loves how the sweet ginger from War Horse wants to be a chef? (smelling salts +29)
• Turns out Mrs. P's man is a lady's man. (brass knuckles +31)
• Newbie Jimmy is drunk, but Thomas is there to save the day! (smelling salts +30)
• But he's getting crazy beaten up and I'm suddenly feeling strangely protective! It's one thing if I beat him up, but complete strangers is quite another! (brass knuckles +32)
• Before trusty Dr. C can propose marriage to Mrs. Crawley she friend-zones him. I get it, but... I won't lie to you, I'm a little bummed! (brass knuckles +33)
• Then newbie Jimmy interrupts telling trusty Dr. C to come quick! Thank heavens! He could have just left him there! (smelling salts +31)

• Jeez! Rose's mom calling her a slut in public! (brass knuckles +34)
• "Heavens! That's not a word you often hear among the heather." Violet's reaction to this is flawless as expected. (smelling salts +32)
• Thomas' bloody face! (brass knuckles +35)
• Adfjlskfjsljl!!!!!!!!! Carson and Sybbie! (smelling salts +32)
• Violet saying it's "bad enough rearing a child when you like each other." (smelling salts +33)

Sybbie is the cutest baby I've ever seen in my. entire. life. It must be her golden-heartedness!

• Um, I will get sentimental when you're holding Sybbi, Carson! (smelling salts +34)
• Since Duneagle didn't modernize like Downton, they're losing it. But... but... Scotland! (brass knuckles +36)
• Anna reels! Woohoo! (smelling salts +35)
• Poor Mrs. Hughes has to tell Mrs. P that her suitor's no good. (brass knuckles +36)
• But she's never been more relieved! (smelling salts +36)
• Edith. This is your last evening together. Just... leave it. (brass knuckles +37)
• Molesely is schwasty-pasty on the dance floor! Lord G: "They do say there's a wild man inside all of us." Violet: "If only he would stay inside." Bahaha! (smelling salts +37)

Shirtless! YAY! Seen shirtless! NOOOOOOOOO!

• ARRRRRRRRGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! The she-devil walks in on my shirtless Irish husband! (brass knuckles +38)
• AND THEN SHE KISSES HIM! SHE KISSES BRANSON! OHMYGOSHMYLIFEISOVERWHATISHAPPENINGIHATEITALLAGHHHH!!!!!!!! (brass knuckles +39)
• Rattled again, Mary has return home. (brass knuckles +40)
• And she won't let Cousin Matthew come with her! WHAT?! (brass knuckles +41)
• This flecking she-devil!!!!! Revealing her plans for lunch with Tom Branson?! EXCUSE ME?! (brass knuckles +42)
• Justice! She's going to get fired! (smelling salts +38)
• Looks like Rose will be joining us all at Downton Abbey from now on. I like her a little now, but not that much! (brass knuckles +39)
• Mrs. Hughes telling Branson that the she-devil's getting fired and that even if he didn't encourage her, he didn't discourage her either. I'll just be in the corner, eating my own hair. (brass knuckles +43)
• But then she says golden-hearted Sybil would be proud of how well he's done without her! (smelling salts +39)

IAMSOBEYONDDEADINSIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!

• Sorry... I've just got a MONSOON SEASON in my eyes when Branson cries that he can't bear to be without her! (brass knuckles +44)
• After her train ride, Mary has to go straight to the hospital. Julian Fellowes... I'm watching you... (brass knuckles +45)
• She-devil, you were the very definition of improper. Textbook. Buh-bye. (brass knuckles +46)
• I'm now typing from the floor as I've been flattened by a TIDAL WAVE OF EMOTION when Lord G says Downton will survive because of Cousin Matthew's vision. (smelling salts +40)
• Gah! Edith lying through her teeth about knowing what needs to happen next with the sorry excuse for Mr. Rochester. (brass knuckles +46)
• Yayyy!!!! Trusty Dr. C will be delivering the baby this time! (smelling salts +41)

• I think my heart grew two sizes when newbie Jimmy said he and Thomas could be friends! What is happening to me?!?! (smelling salts +42)
• Eeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!! Carson is so excited that Mary had a baby that he forgot to ask if it was a boy or a girl, because he's the absolute cutest! (smelling salts +43)
• BABY CRAWLEY! A COUSIN MATTHEW + MARY MY QUEEN BABY!!!!!!!!!!! (smelling salts +44)
• COUSIN MATTHEW SEEING THE DREAM-TEAM BABY! (smelling salts +45)
• DREAM-TEAM BABY IS A BOY!!!!!!!!!! WE ARE SAVED!!!!!!! BY "MY DEAREST LITTLE CHAP!" (smellng salts +46)
• "I'm dancing a jig. I feel as if I've swallowed a box of fireworks." Cousin Matthew! *heart-clutch* (smelling salts +47)
• How Mary wants to be "your Mary Crawley for eterntiy." (smelling salts +48)

*heart-clutch*

• THE DREAM-TEAM IS HAVING A MOMENT! (smelling salts +49)
• "I think I've earned a descent kiss." Yes you have, my queen! (smelling salts +50)
• Wh... what... is this... flashing between scenes when Matthew's driving? No... (brass knuckles +47)
• No, Lord G! Life isn't strange! It's not strange! Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP! (brass knuckles +49)

• *fingers over face because I can see what's coming* (brass knuckles +49)
• Yep... there's a car coming in the opposite direction. (brass knuckles +50)
• His car's flipped down a hill... (brass knuckles +51)
• COUSIN MATTHEW'S DEAD, ISN'T HE? HE ISN'T SIMPLY PINNED UNDERNEATH? (brass knuckles +52)
• COUSIN MATTHEW IS DEAD. (brass knuckles +53)
• AND THERE IS NO ROOM FOR INTERPRETATION HERE. (brass knuckles +54)
• AAAAAAAAAAAAAND THE DREAM TEAM IS OFFICIALLY MINUS ONE ALL OVER AGAIN. COUSIN MATTHEW WASN'T EVEN A FATHER FOR A FULL FIVE MINUTES. (brass knuckles +55) 
• BUT MARY DOESN'T KNOW. SHE'S JUST COOING OVER HER DREAM-TEAM BABY AND COUSIN MATTHEW IS DEAD IN A DITCH AFTER EVERYTHING AND I AM SO! EFFING! LIVID! I CANNOT! I CANNOT! I HATE YOU, JULIAN FELLOWES! IHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (brass knuckles +56)

*throws notebook against the wall* MERDE! MERDE! MERDE! MERDE! MERDE! MERDE! 

I cannot possibly put enough space between myself and this episode to ever have a rational reaction. THERE WILL BE NO RATIONAL REACTIONS. I signed up to watch a series about the Crawleys! Not the Kennedys! Is there something in the water at Downton that prevents a child from having two happily-in-love parents at once? While I will forever consider the killing off of golden-hearted Sybil to be a low blow, Cousin Matthew's death is even worse. Golden-hearted Sybil will forever be my favorite character on this show, but that doesn't change this fact. In light of this event, her death makes sense. His does not. I know how the world works. Death is not predictable and life can change in a flash. But isn't killing off two of the main and most beloved characters a bit, well, overkill? And Julian Fellowes, being the emotional terrorist that he is, doesn't even let them go quietly. He completely manhandled their deaths in a way that shows little respect for their characters or the audience that has so cherished them. Has Cousin Matthew shown signs of recklessness in the past? Has there ever been a hint that he's particularly irresponsible after life changing events? Season three pounded it into our brains that Cousin Matthew is the one we can rely on. Cousin Matthew will save Downton! Cousin Matthew will gaze dreamily at the clouds as he speeds along a one lane road just moments after becoming a father? To his death? Have we been watching the same show?

Let me tell you something. I did not want to write this post. I didn't. The very last thing I wanted to do the day after watching this atrocity unfold was to go back and relive each and every moment of it. I wanted to sit here and drown my sorrows in four servings of chocolate fudge pudding (I did this anyway (it's cute how you think I'm joking (I am not joking))). I get that Dan Stevens didn't renew his contract. I get that. My beef, however, is with Julian Fellowes. I did not want to write this post and yet here I am doing just that. Because I made a contract with you, the readers. An unspoken contract saying you can count on me to rehash my FEELINGS on Downton Abbey the day after it airs. When Cousin Matthew was introduced at the end of the first episode of season one, the entire plot of the series clicked into place. Despite an enormous cast of characters around him, you could argue that everything centered around Cousin Matthew's story. So on that very first episode, we entered into a contract with Julian Fellowes that we would follow this story from start to finish. And then this happened. The contract is broken and the world of Downton Abbey is left in complete and utter shambles. Though on quite a different scale, I am reminded of the season two finale of Robin Hood when *spoiler alert* they killed off Maid Marian. Season three was the biggest train wreck I have ever seen on television. It pains me to say that, because I absolutely love that show. But it made no sense without her, which you can well imagine is precisely how I feel about Cousin Matthew.

Cousin Matthew. He had the drive to overcome paralysis. But he can't keep his eyes on the road. Really? Really? The time to kill off Cousin Matthew has passed. After a rather unbelievable miracle of a recovery from his wounds in WWI in season two, after all that... The two romances that had us on the edge of our seats are now nonexistent. So we're going to leave the romance department to Edith? TO EDITH?! Meanwhile Bates, Thomas, and even O'Brien get to live their happy lives? Sir, you must be joking. You fast forwarded a year so that we could see him "save" Downton and as soon as he fulfilled that purpose, you killed him off? Have some respect for the character. Have some respect for the viewer. You can see yourself out.

P.S. I don't feel like I'm overreacting, but... Am I overreacting? What did you think? Will you watch next season? WILL SOMEBODY HOLD ME?

P.P.S. I apologize for my incoherence at the end, but I've been blogging under the influence of ALL CAPS HEARTBROKEN FEELINGS!