Downton Abbey 3x5

Sad but true. After the horrors they pulled last week, I just want to rip the bandaid off and get this over with.

• Oh by all means... let's start with people leaving golden-hearted Sybil's funeral to really redeem yourself! (brass knuckles +1)

Euuuughhhhhahhhhhh!!!!!!! I AM DEAD INSIDE!

• Branson's blank face... Branson's blank face... Branson's blank face... (brass knuckles +2)
• And then saying he's past help when Cousin Matthew offers to do whatever he can! (brass knuckles +3)
• Lady G's still giving Lord G the cold shoulder. I don't blame her, but it still makes me depressed. (brass knuckles +4)
• The only faint glimmer of a silver lining is that, at least, Violet and Mrs. Crawley are being friendly. (smelling salts +1)
• BRANSON'S DEAD FACE AGAIN. I CAN'T. I CAN'T. (brass knuckles +5)

Lord G's face during her commentary = my face during this entire episode.

• Come out, come out, zombies! Because I am SOBBING MY BRAINS OUT over Lady G saying it's never really over to lose a child. (brass knuckles +6)
• Anna and Thomas and their weird Sybil-friendship-charm solidarity. (smelling salts +2)
• Little boys who touch my newbie Jimmy get their fingers burned, Thomas! (brass knuckles +7)
• As if Bates getting out of jail could really make you smile that much when your sister is dead, Mary! You don't have to adhere to this script when you're the queen! (brass knuckles +8)
• There will be no Lady G for Lord G tonight. I'm kind of going to need a therapist. (brass knuckles +9)
• GUH! Have I been kicked in the gut?! When Lord G starts crying in the hallway after he shuts her door? STOP. (brass knuckles +10)
• At breakfast, Branson walks in looking like a zombie. I love zombies in Romeo/Juliet circumstances. But still. (brass knuckles +11)

*sobbing into that plate*

• And then! And then Carson! Carson hands him his plate! Because he's finally! He's finally accepting him! Accepting him as a member of the family! (smelling salts +3)
• *peers down with a shocked-yet-eerily-calm look to find a knife being twisted into my chest as my life's blood spurts everywhere* When Branson says he envies the baby because she doesn't know a thing about golden-hearted Sybil's death. (brass knuckles +12)
• *GASP* What?! Branson! You're not staying?! Why you want to leave meeeeeeee?!?! (brass knuckles +13)
• "I'd like to call her Sybil." *heart-clutch* Baby Sybil! Baby the golden-hearted! This will get confusing, but I don't care because it's such a sweet gesture and I love my widowed Irish husband so much! (smelling salts +4)

And then the fire sprinklers went off, fueled entirely by MY SCALDING HOT TEARS!

• And though Lord G seems to think this isn't a good idea for some odd reason, Branson says, "I want to remember her mother every time I look at her." I AM BLOGGING FROM THE GRAVE. (smelling salts +5)
• For goodness sake, Lord G! Let baby Sybil be Catholic! It's what her mother wanted! It's what her father wants! It's what I want! (brass knuckles +14)
• RAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *THIS IS ME SCREAMING AT MY TELEVISION BECAUSE I WISH THESE PRISON BULLIES WOULD JUST KILL B-AS-IN-BATHROOM-BREAK BATES RATHER THAN LET ME DIE A SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH AT THE HANDS OF THE EXCRUCIATING BOREDOM INDUCED BY THIS GOD AWFUL PLOT LINE THAT INSISTS ON DRAGGING ON LIKE A PROUST SENTENCE* (brass knuckles +15)

Also, let's start using the word "ghoulish" all the time! I mean it! All the ghoulish time!

• Mary! My queen on her niece: "She isn't a Crawley, she's a Branson." (smelling salts +6)
• Violet giving Lord G her sympathies. Ugh. I love her. Lord G doesn't know how lucky he is to have her as a mother! (smelling salts +7)
• The sweet ginger from War Horse continues to flirt with Ivy. Why? Why do you like her? I'm trying to understand the masculine mind! All she does is stand there! She has no personality! Sweet ginger from War Horse, I expected more from you! (brass knuckles +16)
• Pardonnez-moi, Thomas, but I don't believe "she's not my type" is 1920s talk for "I like boys!" (brass knuckles +17)

Hiiiiiiii newbie Jimmy! Hiiiiiii sweet ginger from War Horse!

• Bahaha! I love how Mrs. P completely lacks a filter. My kind of lady! "You're all in love with the wrong people!" Damn straight they are! (smelling salts +8)
• Lord G. You brought a reverend to harangue your Catholic son-in-law about Catholicism? Isn't religion one of the top 3 taboo topics at the dinner table?! You know better! (brass knuckles +18)
• But I love how because of this nonsense, we really get to see Edith, Mary, and Cousin Matthew sticking up for Branson! *my dead zombie heart is fluttering* (smelling salts +9)

Eeeeeeeaaaaaadjflksdfjlsfjlsdfjslkj!!!!!!!!!!!!!

• Oh! my! GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!! Branson's face when Mary reveals that Sybil said she wanted the baby to be Catholic just like him! He's alive! He's aliiiiiiiiiiiiive!!!! *sobbing* (smelling salts +10)
• For the love of-! Thomas is literally taking every. single. thing. newbie Jimmy says as a declaration of love. Don't make me lock newbie Jimmy away in the attic to keep him from you like a Victorian secret! (brass knuckles +19)
• "We must never take us for granted." UGH. MARY AND COUSIN MATTHEW ARE HAVING A CHEESY MOMENT AND IT IS MIRACULOUS! (smelling salts +11)
• That woman wasting the lawyer's time. If only she had taken a bite of that poisonous pie as well... (brass knuckles +20)
• Ok, sweet ginger from War Horse, Ivy, and newbie Jimmy... This is one of the weirdest love triangles ever. Except I forgot Daisy. So really it's an exceptionally warped rhombus. (brass knuckles +21)

*heart-clutch*

• Dawww!!!!! Daisy's father-in-law wants to leave her the farm one day! *warm fuzzies* (smelling salts +12)
• Oh my gosh! Will you be my father-in-law?! Because I want a farm and someone to say, "He's seen a diamond and chosen glass" when things don't go well with boys! Which is always! (smelling salts +13)
• I'm not sure about Violet's scheme to get the doctor to smooth things over between Lord and Lady G by saying it was a slim chance that Sybil would have survived either way, but between "lie is so unmusical a word" and "have we nothing in coming?" I'm in stitches! The first time I've laughed out loud since the worst mistake the writer ever made last week! (smelling salts +14)

Pretty scenery for pretty boys.

• I'm seeing some Branson/Cousin Matthew BROMANCE!!! You're such a good team! Can you please work together?! For me! For the Sybils! (smelling salts +15)
• Branson saying he won't be separated from baby Sybil and leave her at Downton Abbey! That's my Irish husband! (smelling salts +16)
• Ughh Mr. Carson! I love you! But who cares if Mrs. P has been helping Ethel learn to cook? (brass knuckles +22)
• When Thomas tells Ivy "that someone is not you" in regards to who newbie Jimmy likes, I really want to scream, "WELL IT'S NOT YOU EITHER!" stick out my tongue, and shove him in the broom closet like the full grown adult that I am! (brass knuckles +23)
• Lord G, you do not interrupt ladies while they're at luncheon even if it was cooked up by a prostitute! (brass knuckles +24)

And let's not forget, "Well, of course, servants are very hard to find these days."

• I cannot even begin to tell you how much I LOVE that Violet won't leave because "it seems a pity to miss such a good pudding." Spirit animal!!! (smelling salts +17)
• Right. Because causing trouble always works for you, doesn't it, B-as-in-bathroom-break Bates?! (brass knuckles +25)
• I'm so glad Mary isn't afraid to confront Lord G! "I'm never against you, but you've lost on this one." I love you, my queen!!! (smelling salts +18)
• This bit about Lord G and how he keeps forgetting that golden-hearted Sybil is dead is more painful than the wheel pose in yoga! "I come inside to tell her her favorite rose is in bloom..." And the pile of sorrow snot tissues grows ever higher! (brass knuckles +26)
•  But just when he's endeared himself back into my heart, he refuses to tell Lady G he feels this way. (brass knuckles +27)

I wish there was a spin off consisting solely of the people in this room!

•  BABY SYBIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And when he's asked how she is, Branson says she's blooming! *head in hands with a dopey smile on my face* (smelling salts +19)
• Mwahaha! Ivy's caught wearing rouge! I certainly wouldn't need help to look like either of you are making me blush, newbie Jimmy and sweet ginger from War Horse. (smelling salts +20)
• Of course newbie Jimmy plays piano! Of course he does!!! (smelling salts +21)
• But Thomas is touching newbie Jimmy like CRAY! (brass knuckles +28)
• O'BRIEN, I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU FOR BREWING UP TROUBLE FOR NEWBIE JIMMY WITH THOMAS! (brass knuckles +29)

*face-palm*

• The sweet ginger from War Horse asks Daisy for help learning the foxtrot even though a) he's gotta know she likes him and b) he has no intention of wooing her with said foxtrot. (brass knuckles +30)
• Wait... the... the... THE B-AS-IN-BATHROOM-BREAK BATES PLOT LINE IS OVER?!?!?! (smelling salts +22)
• Lord G is thrilled with this news, I could care less and it makes no sense that he is this happy right now, but I'm still very happy with his smiling! (smelling salts +23)
• Get out of the way, Mr. Carson! Mrs. Hughes doesn't care what you think, she's letting Ethel in to give flowers to Mrs. P! Move along! (smelling salts +24)
• Newbie Jimmy cuts in on the foxtrot and calls out the sweet ginger from War Horse for jerking poor Daisy around. (smelling salts +25)
• But as Mr. Carson clearly states, this is the town in Footloose! There is no dancing here, you beautiful creatures! (brass knuckles +31)

If I had a penny for all my CREYES!!!

• And finally, trusty Dr. C tells Lord and Lady G that even if he had been in charge, there was still a great chance that golden-hearted Sybil would have died anyway. And while I mainly feel like this is just the writer trying to cover his heartless butt... HUGSIES FOR LORD AND LADY G! (smelling salts +26)

I mean, really. It was basically the Super Bowl. For a long time, brass knuckles was clearly in the lead. Then smelling salts snuck their way up the score board. But in the end, everything was just as it should be in a post golden-hearted Sybil world. Brass knuckles was victorious for the second time ever, winning 31 to 26. Thanks to Branson's face for making me spontaneously burst into tears. No thanks to the B-as-in-bathroom-break Bates plot line that is being pounded incessantly over my head in a way that makes me recall my futile efforts to understand calculus. Other people tell you it's important, but really you can't bring yourself to care or think about it outside of class.