I'm Mr. Napkin-Head!

Ok, not quite. But you know that bit in The Holiday? "I'm a guy who reads parenting books and cookbooks before I go to sleep. I spend my weekends buying tutus. I'm learning to sew. I'm Mr. Napkin Head! I'm on some kind of constant overload..." That. Replace tutus with tennis balls and I'd say that's pretty spot on. Because somehow, in a seemingly random yet entirely deliberate course of events, I became responsible for a pack of teenagers. Their meals, rides to practice, live-in support system... it's all me. And being a 26 year-old who was just asked in the binder aisle at Staples if I was in middle school, I can only say what. the. heck.

Life is crazy. Preaching to the choir, I know, but it seems to be the motto of this year and this summer in particular. Hence the terrible lack of posts! I'm sorry! I've just been treading water ever since I got here. But who am I kidding? I am still treading water! No wonder you start with babies! Suddenly being responsible for ten teenagers? This is equal parts I-am-having-so-much-fun-getting-to-know-them-and-this-is-my-non-desk-job-and-eat-my-dust-this-is-fantastic and dear-God-what-have-I-done-I-cannot-do-this-and-you-must-be-joking. There were tears in the beginning. Many, many tears. But I've been so blessed. Challenged each and every day, every single hour, but blessed. It can be awkward and frustrating; I'm so used to it just being me and the weight of this responsibility is staggering. And, yes, sometimes I find myself crying over eggplants (side note: because I'm always seizing the opportunity to quote Bridget Jones' Diary, "To Bridget who cannot cook, but who we love just as she is!"). But then I'll randomly have a breakthrough... Like tonight I found myself drawing out the quietest girl in my little brood and it was lovely and encouraging and it made me so excited to be doing what I'm doing. Building relationships, making a positive impact... It makes the not being easy so worth it.

And let me tell you... the amount of story inspiration I'm getting from being around these tireless kiddos 24/7? It's insane! I'm just marinating in their highs, lows, hopes and dreams, and everything that makes them tick. And, gosh darn it, when I finally get this schedule figured out and can pencil in some quality me time, my pen will be a thing to be reckoned with!

Anyway, just wanted to check in after an absurd hiatus with some happier news and also... A DESPERATE PLEA FOR EASY PEASY RECIPES! Have I been living off the same five recipes for the whole of my twenties? I always thought I was a pretty decent cook, but... creating weekly menus?? Not so much. Anything in a slow-cooker would be just graaaaaaaaaand! Help! Gracias! Ciao!

P.S. More soon! I mean it and I promise!

P.P.S. AHHHHHHHHHH LIFE!!!!!!

a time for everything

¹ There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

²     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
⁶     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

-Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 

As everything continues to feel like it's happening all at once, this passage has been a real comfort to me. The past few weeks I've been making changes, preparing for a new life down South. I've been full of anticipation, daydreaming of of all things new; friendships, old fashioned bicycles, salty sea breezes, and sunsets. Every conversation screamed life. And then, just like that... my grandma passed away. 

I never once heard my grandad call her Gloria. She was always his "Gogie." And I always loved that.

After a lifetime spent on opposite ends of the east coast, I was blessed enough to spend the past two years just half an hour away from her. For as long as I can remember, she has been a golden example of the kind of person I want to be. She was relentlessly generous, quick to smile, invested, always sunny. In short, she lived that simple life I'm hoping for; one centered on faith, family, friendships, and a sweet tooth for the little things. She demonstrated love. I can't think of a single life event she wasn't there for, always making the long trip down from Pittsburgh. She made everyone feel special. Even sitting across from her in a crowded diner, splitting a plate of french fries, her eyes sparkled as she told me old stories and made me feel like they were secrets just between the two of us. It's one of my favorite memories of her. I just remember hearing her talk about her youth and meeting my grandad and thinking, 'Wow. She's really something,' hoping that maybe someday someone would think the same of me.

It's easy to look at the life she led and the person she was and be completely overwhelmed. I've admitted it before and it's no different now even though I know she had 61 years on me, but I struggle with comparisons. It seems ridiculous that I would even fleetingly compare my chapter in life with the final page of hers, but there it is. I'm flawed. Right down to my core, I long for all that she had; the love story, the family, her ability to instantly make you feel at home, the magic touch she had with soups. And it's hard not to look at all that and not be frustrated with that feeling that I'm just... stuck. Perpetually stuck. Like I'm never going to be like that. Like I'm always going to be on my own. Normally I wouldn't share this because it's just plain embarrassing to show how messy your heart is, how broken you are, that you're struggling every day, but I feel like... I should for some reason! I don't know! As a single lady, it's all too easy to wallow and quote Bridget Jones' Diary: "I suddenly realized that unless something changed soon I was going to live a life where my major relationship was with a bottle of wine... and I'd finally die, fat and alone, and be found three weeks later half-eaten by wild dogs." If you're in my shoes and this kind of thought never crosses your mind, then let's hang out, because I'd like that to rub off on me! I want so badly to get un-stuck. How do you get the kind of life you want when it seems to depend on so many people other than you? When you're not exactly the one in control?

And that! Right there. That's my weakness. It doesn't depend on me, it doesn't depend on other people, it rests entirely on God's shoulders. How quick I am to forget. Not only that He has me right where He wants me, but that there is truth in those words. "There is a time for everything." Life can feel like it's happening all at once, but there's a season for every little thing. There's no rush. After all, the passage goes on to say... 

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it." -Ecclesiastes 3:11-14

He has made everything beautiful in its time. Everything. Every. single. thing. Time flies, time crawls, but God is the time-keeper. He has planted holy desires in your heart for a reason and when-- when, not if-- they are fulfilled, you will understand the utter perfection of His timing. If the desires of your heart come from God, why do you fear and tremble? God is love and love never quits, so you do the math. Side note: I'm preaching to myself here. 

The life I want is not the prize. A partner and witness to my life is not the prize. God is the prize. Through all these changing seasons, I will take heart and focus on that. Some days it might feel like I'm being dragged backwards, going in the direction completely opposite to the one I'm hoping to go in. But an arrow must be dragged backwards in order to go forward, released at precisely the right moment to hit its mark.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time." God's ways are lovelier than mine. He's proven this time and time again. He has given every cause for rejoicing. The life of a loved one, a family that surrounds, friends that support, the promise of His unfailing faithfulness. He has an everlasting love for you that you cannot fathom, a way carved out for you that is far and above your wildest dreams. Trust it. Trust Him. Be still. Be at peace. And just be the kind of person who's really something. Because you are. You already are.

"The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still." -Exodus 14:14

a simple life

That's the realization I've come to over the past few weeks... I want a simple life. A full-to-the-brim life packed tight with good people, good places, good food, good plans and intentions... but simple. In the past two years, I've accumulated a lot of grand clutter in my life. But with that life-changing, "Ok, God," when it came to making the decision a few weeks ago not to go to grad school, there came a word loud and clear above the rest: simplify. So while I let Plan A shift into focus, I took a little more and much needed me time away from the blog.

When I say everything happened at once, I mean everything. I've cried more in the past few weeks than I have in the whole of the past year; happy tears, confused tears, delirious, and grief-stricken. So much was being orchestrated at the same time and I couldn't tell what was going on, but the skies are clearing up now and I've got to say... It looks so good! The short story goes like this: I turned in my notice at both jobs and, thanks to a tip-off and recommendation from my best friend Ali, I now have a job working with teenagers lined up in August back down South where I belong. Last week, I was standing on the beach in Hilton Head with Ali, who I hadn't seen in person for a ridiculous three years, watching the sun rise. We stood in the waves and the morning light before I set off to accept the job offer and I just burst out laughing. God was having a cheeky 'I told you so' moment with me, triumphing in His Plan A for my life. And I was so overwhelmed with His faithfulness. All things came together; He had orchestrated it all in such a short amount of time. His plan was infinitely better than mine. Obviously. I had no idea that this was what I wanted, but on that beach that morning, I saw it was exactly what I needed. Good people? Check! Good place? Check! Happy? Check! etc.

Things are finally starting to settle down a bit, so I just wanted to check-in and say, 'Hey, I'm alive!' yet again. Thanks for hanging in there with me and for all your prayers and encouragement! Hopefully, I'll be around a bit more in the near future when the bulk of the chaos subsides. Until then, let's raise a toast to sweet tea, starry nights, BFFs, and beach sounds. Cheers!

What's On My Nightstand

• Soft Moleskine Ruled Journal. As I recently told you, life's been a little crazy lately. So I've been documenting all these changes like mad. Still a long way to go yet, but I love the process. I've always been partial to these journals; this one's my... fourth? fifth? I love cramming them full of everything from movie tickets to fortunes and general paper-y clutter.
• iTunes Gift Card. I've definitely been in a musical funk recently, but after this vacation... ahhhh!!!! Inspiration! Must buy all the songs!!!!!
• Fighter Plane Gummies. These were part of the welcome bag for out-of-towners at my friend Danielle's wedding. I mean, she just married an Air Force pilot, so these are pretty perfect, right? Also... I just ate them all while writing this blog post! I'm a little hyper!!!!
• Pineapple Crush Candle by Tyler Candle Company. My friend Anne gave this to me for my birthday last week. How sweet! No really, it smells really sweet! The scent lingers long after it's lit and I really like that, I must say. Plus it smells like her place and makes me think of her, which is also nice.
• Maybelline Baby Lips Grape Vine. I know, I know... But I'm obsessed with these! At first the deep purply shade scared me off, but really it goes on like balm and doesn't make a glaring difference in my lip color. It's just lovely and smells good too!

Thanks to my handy iTunes card, most of the music I've purchased recently has been upbeat pop. So lullabies are few and far between this week. If I had to choose one, I'd say it's probably "The One You'll Find" by Shane & Shane... Actually that one's upbeat too! Ah well. Sadly I can't find a link to the whole song anywhere, so you'll just have to trust me... and download it! I wouldn't lead you astray, I promise.

What's on your nightstand these days?

Sweet dreams, moonbeams!